Conditioned to...

MaryAnn is right. We have all been “conditioned“ to think that marriage and family is the “right“ way to live out the rest of our lives. How did I fall into the same trap? Now that I“ve been there and done that， I realize I am not fit for marriage nor have kids. Seems as if everytime I talk to someone， I“m counting down the days to when I can enjoy freedom from marriage and freedom from parenting young ones (NOT freedom from being a parent). Although this doesn“t mean that I“m not a responsbile or good mom， but I feel guilty for thinking this way. I use the excuse that they need to be independent， but I know deep down inside that it“s me who wants “me time“ for me. Yes， I will have two more “friends“ to share my life with once my kids are old enough and more mature， but I long for the days of when I can truly love again and enjoy being loved by a “partner“ and not just by my kids. That“s why the more I think about it and talk about it， the more I know my decision to move on with MY life -- once mom is settled down， preferrably away from dad and that miserable life -- is the right one. Instead of thinking this as my midlife crisis， I have to think that this is my midlife awakening.

Nora， Tristan， I don“t want you to fall into the same trap as mommy did. I don“t want you to be “conditioned“ to think that you have to get married or have to have kids. I want you to live the life that is best fit for YOU and no one else. I want YOU to be happy.

I love you and I will always love you.